Let’s go for our mid-autumn party | Arts + Culture
Hi team. It’s not a big deal, but America sucks and we need more vacations designed for eating and drinking alcohol. NOT TO BE FEARED! The Chinese Mid-Autumn Festival is here! Now, on the low-low, the Chinese zodiac doesn’t line up ~ perfectly ~ with our typical zodiac, so we make this shit work. In honor of a very beautiful tradition around the world (which you should research because it takes too long to explain in this tiny little space), we dedicate this horoscope to the Chinese zodiac… with a sassy twist, of course.
VIRGIN (23 AOT – 22 SEP.):
Rooster a doodle, am I right? It’s time to DO SHIT! Being the cock that you are, you wake up at dawn to make sure your roommate isn’t awake to screw up the kitchen while you make breakfast.
BALANCE (23 SEP. – 22 OCT.):
Does it smell of updog here? WHAT’S NEW DOG ?? Yes, you are the dog. You’re probably the favorite kid because your personality is floofy and easy to like, but high-key if the mood is bad you might bite. 😉
SCORPIO (23 OC.-21 NOV.):
Like most politicians, you are a bit boring. Wait, we mean boar. You are a diplomatic and honest little pig. Remember that a white lie here and there could save you from becoming bacon in the long run.
SAGITTARIUS (22 NOV. – 22 DEC.):
Hey little rat with your stolen little piece of cheese. You sneaky son of a bitch.
CAPRICORN (DEC 23-JAN 19):
Everyone thinks you are tall and strong like the ox you are, but inside you are a fragile little caterpillar waiting for the chance to spread its wings.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEBRUARY 18):
Like most cats, you are cute and all, but you quietly plot the murder of your owner. This is why you are the tiger. You don’t smell anything, but you’re segzy so it’s okay.
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20):
You’re like a bunny: fuck left and right and cuddle ‘n’ shit, but the second someone catches feelings for you GTFO. You don’t know when to quit, but at least you’re having fun doing it.
ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 19):
You are a dragon because dragons are tall and tall = power! Aries, angel, you are beautiful and all, but you are demanding as hell and also your breath is more painful to strike than the fire of a dragon. TIC Tac?
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20):
There is a SNEK in my boot! Only if this boot is a rising Doc Marten, NO CAP. Snakes are considered wise and grounded in the Chinese zodiac, so basically we interpret this as if you are good at creating a FIT. Respect the drip.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20):
POV: You gallop gracefully through a field of sunflowers and then all of a sudden someone pulls the reins lightly and you FUCK them for even thinking they could control just one aspect of you. Gemini, you tinker with your DIY and stay in control at all costs.
CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22):
Like our Queen Simone Biles, you are the GOAT. No, you’re not the greatest of all time, you’re a little shit who eats anything and howls like a goat for no reason. You can be gentle every now and then, but overall you’re usually just a little shit. Please take offense.
LION (JULY 23 – AUG 22):
You don’t all have opposable thumbs, but you all know how to use your hands. You’re a weird monkey who knows how to get checkers and bananas, if you catch us.